Incense and candles
In December, my family had our annual giỗ ̣(pronounced yoh) for Ruth . Giỗ is the Vietnamese word for the annual remembrance of a family member on the event of their death. In Asian cultures, it is a death anniversary which is observed every year. Japanese, Korean, Chinese and other Asian cultures honor this tradition (For a fuller explanation, see this wiki article). Basically, it is to celebration to always remember the person as a member of the family.
Custom has it that the death anniversary is held on the day of the death. Ruth’s birthday and Ruth’s death day was one week apart, so I took the liberty to move her giỗ to her birthday, December 26. It’s been held exactly from 7:00 to 7:30 that evening for the last five years.
It’s not a solemn event. Everyone offers incense or candles (whichever the preference) in remembrance. It takes all of a few minutes. And then we sit down to eat and chat. Just like any other day.
And then we eat!
This year I made bò kho, a Vietnamese beef stew made with lemon grass and coconut water, among other spices. This was a dish that Ruth had made often, and, when she was alive, Vietnamese visitors were delightfully impressed when she made it. Many Vietnamese giỗ are elaborate meals but mine was a very simple matter.
The first couple of years, people other than my family came to giỗ. After the third year, it was just the family (Sreymol, Julio and me, along with the kids). Normally, giỗ is just with the family, although anyone can come. In Vietnam, the giỗ is a festive celebration, a gathering of family and friends.
The time took all of 30 minutes. All of us, as we are still on this earth, have to go on and live our lives. Life doesn’t stop. But we never forget our loved one, and we make it a tradition to always have this set time to remember that she is still part of the family.
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Hey Thuan,
Just saw this and really enjoyed reading it. Didn’t know about this tradition, though I’ve taught many Vietnamese kids over the years. My dad died September 4 of 2013 and something like this would be nice for him. Last year, I felt like we didn’t know what to do. My mom was married to him for almost 60 years. She is doing ok, but misses him daily as one would expect. He had Parkinson’s for many years, which was a struggle. Sorry about Ruth. Would have loved to have met her, I’m sure. Now that I’ve found your blog, I’m going to read as much as I can.
Author
Yes, I heard that your father had passed away. With Ruth, I was only married 20 years, and her death left a very big hole in my heart. I can hardly imagine what it is for your mom after 60 years. For the first 2 or 3 years, I was still trying to find my way as well with giỗ. We weren’t in Vietnam, so a full party would have seemed out of place in this culture. I felt a little awkward trying to be sensitive to some Americans who came, although one Korean who came felt totally at home. Now, five years later, we have settled into a pattern of incense/candles and eating a dish Ruth liked. It’s more casual and relaxed (which is the way it is in Vietnam), and I like it.
I’ve read many of your posts on here throughout the day today. Wow, Thuan, No words can suffice. The anguish and pain from Ruth dying when she didn’t have to and the helplessness of fighting against the medical system would have made me a basket case. I can’t imagine you living with the sorrow that you must have. I appreciate your vulnerability on here and your honesty. I wish I could offer you some comfort, but I think that will not happen (except in glimpses) this side of heaven.
Author
Thanks, Bill. Having friends carrying the weight of what happened through listening is comfort, believe it or not.
Thuan
Thuan, thank you for posting this. What a wonderful remembrance of Ruth each year. It sounds meaningful and I’m glad you do it. Jerry and I were also married twenty years before his death. The loss is enormous. God be with you.
Author
Yes, for those of us who loved, the loss is enormous. But there is new joy as the years pass, as it seems you are a good example from my reading of your Facebook. Blessings, Thuan
[…] According to Vietnamese (and East Asian) tradition, I hold a memorial for Ruth each year on December 26. This year (2017) it will be on Tuesday. In Viet-Nam, the tradition is called giổ, which I wrote about here. […]